A Fairytale Kardashian Lawsuit
By Drew Carroll
It just all seemed so sudden. I really feel like Ms. Kardashian is missing the bigger picture here.
Less than three weeks have passed since the shocking news that Kim Kardashian filed for divorce from her husband of 72 days, NBA player Kris Humphries. While it will no doubt take much longer to process our pain and loss, comedian Rob Delaney isn’t ready to give up on Kim & Kris just yet — and I don’t blame him.
Because true love (and lucrative television contracts) only come around so often, you have to fight for it when it does. Ms. Kardashian, you can’t quit now. If you do, Mr. Delaney will sue you. And I hereby offer my legal services
It won’t be easy. After all, how can a court fully measure the emotional distress that Ms. Kardashian inflicted on the four million people who tuned in to watch her tie the knot this summer and now feel cruelly deceived? (Irony of ironies: it was E! Entertainment’s highest-rated program ever).
Come to think of it, there were 300 million other Americans who wanted nothing to do with the nuptials. Can a court measure their suffering, caused by the media circus brouhaha they were subjected to leading up to the big day?
But I must focus. I’m not representing the 300 million. I’m just representing the four million devoted romantics, whom I will fight for in a class action, with Mr. Delaney as our named plaintiff. Are there grounds for a lawsuit against Ms. Kardashian, you ask? Are you kidding?
Sadly, we can’t force Kim Kardashian to remain married to Kris Humphries. (I know; I looked this up). That’s thanks to the 13th Amendment’s prohibition against slavery, which I think would protect anyone from being forced to remain married against her will.
But what about Ms. Kardashian’s 20.5-carat engagement ring? Or the $172,000 registry worth of wedding gifts and $18 million dollar contract with E! for the wedding special? Ms. Kardashian got all the benefits here, and we, the viewing public, were left with nothing but heartache…for now.
“Unjust enrichment” is a legal doctrine, which provides that nobody should profit at the expense of others, without making amends for the property or benefits that were unfairly acquired. And I will argue that on August 20 Ms. Kardashian did not just enter into holy matrimony with Mr. Humphries, she tied the knot with all of us. She made a promise to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, to provide the viewing public with the “celebrity” marriage we deserve. How many delicious seasons could have consumed by keeping up with Kim & Kris’s infidelities, recriminations, separations, and reconciliations! By divorcing now, Kim hasn’t even had time to give us her “Chicken of the Sea” moment.
Robert Thompson, director of the Center for the Study of Popular Television at Syracuse University likened the Kardashians to the auto company Chevrolet, saying that the Kardashians “manufacture stories” like Chevy manufactures cars. “This is what they do.This is their product,” he continued, referring to the Kardashian knack for grabbing a headline.
With respect to Professor Thompson, I don’t think any one of us signed up for a broken-down Chevy. We were made to think we were in Lamborghini territory. We were looking forward to the ride.
And by untying — or more accurately, ripping apart — the knot, Ms. Kadashian has not only broken our hearts, she has endangered a budding business relationship. Wedding dress designer extraordinaire Vera Wang contracted with Ms. Kardashian to sell knockoff versions of her dress on the Big Day. The dresses won’t be available until February, which, due to Ms. Kardashian’s tenuous grasp of the meaning of the word “commitment”, will be more than three months since the end of the marriage. This will surely affect sales, and not in a good way.
Oh, Ms.Wang, would you like us to represent you in a suit against Ms. Kardashian, too? We may have a good promissory estoppel case for you. The argument would be that the star designer relied on Kim Kardashian’s marriage lasting long enough for the company to properly promote and distribute the signature dress, and that the quickie divorce frustrated Ms. Wang’s ability to capitalize on the unique design.
And despite all the work I’ve put into the case already, I admit to hoping that the oh-so-recent bride and groom get back together.
Because in these difficult economic times, Ms. Kardashian holds one of the most prestigious titles around: job creator. Think of all the cameramen, Escalade drivers, helicopter pilots and make up artists that have thrived off of the misadventures of Kim and the gang. Not to mention the impact their clothing, perfume, and jewelry have had on consumer spending. So Kim, if for nothing else than your impact on our country’s GDP, please continue manufacturing drama for us to obsess over. You are too big to fail.